THE BENEFITS OF DOING ANGER WORK:

Secrets of a successful athlete - By: Mike Justin

One of the things that is incredible to watch are great athletes.What they do at times seem physically impossible for most of us.But in reality some of those great athletes are just the same physically as their other adversaries in sports.Their secret to being more successful than the others is because they have more mental toughness.What people do not realize is that being more mentally tough can make one be more successful.

Let's look at some examples. As a family counselor San Diego I see it all the time with student athletes.You witness kids who are gifted physically. But a lot of times they don't advance because they can't get over mentally what they need to succeed.We hear it all the time in pro sports.You see popular athletes who come up short always to win the championship.Even if they are touted as one of the best in their said sports. When it comes time to win the big one, they can't do it mentally.Those who succeed are those who are physically and mentally tough~The ones who succeed are the ones who are both mentally and physically tough.

That is why as a sports psychologist San Diego I have so many clients come in who need a breakthrough.They are gifted physically but for some reason can't capitalize on it. Most of the time it is in their mind. That is where a service such as mine can help them overcome. Because a lot of times it is a mental block they need to beat.Once they get past that hurdle then they can start to become more successful.

Or another problem that I see in athletes is they let their anger get the best of them. If an athlete is unable to control their emotions they can't win consistently. Doing anger management San Diego has allowed me to turn athletes around who were letting anger get the best of them.But if they just seek help with what's bothering them then it can help them achieve success.
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Ways in controlling one's anger - By: Mike Justin

Anger is one of those things that is experienced by everyone. Everyone will lose their cool once in a while.It is but natural to happen. What is not natural is when it becomes uncontrollable.That's the time when you could hurt someone that you love. But not only can it be hurtful emotionally, but physically as well. With that in mind here are some anger management tips for you to use.

Controlling your anger is a tough thing to do. That is why my anger management counseling practice gets so many people with anger issues. But there is hope.Even if it seems like it is uncontrollable there are ways to control it.First thing you can do is to admit that you are undergoing stress.Stress can be one cause of anger.By knowing that you are stressed you will know the ways on how to control your anger.

Another way in dealing with anger is to know how to respond without reacting first. It is one of the biggest techniques I teach for my family counselor San Diego practice. What it means is to think about situations rather than instinctively reacting to it.By thinking about the situation and thinking about how you will react will lead to better response. So you won't be just reacting uncontrollably.

Another thing that causes anger is depression.Usually, if a person is depressed it will eventually lead to anger.The reason for this is because depressed people feel that they have no hope in life and that they become angry at everything. I see this all the time doing depression counselor.So to counter this anger one should solve the root of the problem of that person's depression.

Following these few tips would be helpful in your dealing with your anger. Anger is a hard emotion to control.That is the reason why so many people are being affected by anger management issues.But knowing the root of your problems would greatly help you in recovering your old self. That way you can avoid letting your anger not only hurt you but those you love.

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Anger management-how it makes families better - By: Mike Justin

One thing about everybody is we have emotions. Some people have the tendency to display more of their emtions in public. For some emotions it is good. Some people show emotions like happiness, excitement, or laughter. Others show emotions of sadness or anger. All people have emotions and they usually express it but sometimes they get out of hand. Emotions like anger belong to these category.

As you have learned in this article anger can have devastating effects on a family. In my practice doing anger management counseling I have seen the effects it can have on a family. It could be very uncomfortable if you live with that person. It could make everybody afraid to say the wrong thing. It make a place of safety into something that is negative. That place of safety is called the home.

It may be surprising but anger sometimes stems from an emotional issue like depression. Whatever reason it may be but the case is that this person is depressed. Once they do not see a solution to a problem most of the time it leads to anger. That is why I advice everyone feeling depression to seek a depression counseling. It is best to stop something before it escalates into a bigger problem which is harder to solve. Because sometimes it just does not lead into anger but into something where they eventually hurt themselves.

Whatever the case may be these two emotions should be dealt with seriously. If you let these two emotions eat your personality then it will definitely get worse for you and your family. It can ruin family life. It can destroy relationships. Being a family counselor in San Diego I stress the importance of good relationships in family life. So obviously I stress dealing with all emotional issues immediately. It can be hard to decide to seek help in someone you don't know sometimes. But this would prove to be very helpful in the long run especially for the person affected.
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Benefits of anger management - By: Mike Justin

In the life we live we get to feel a large range of emotions. Emotions that are wonderful, and emotions that are not so good.

A few of those emotions can have an impact on relationships and families. Sometimes those emotions can affect jobs and other social interactions.

One of emotions that needs to be addressed is the issue of anger. Specifically using anger managment to control it.

One of the horrible consequences of anger is violence.When you are viewing a movie or tv show when the main character uses the anger to motivate them to fight back and win, it's nice, but made to look better than it is.

Anger isn't that glamorous. It is an emotion that needs to be handled through an anger management programs. Because left by itself it can lead to horrible results.

There can be many reasons for the cause of it.Stress in relation to finances.Or it can be relationship problems. It could be from many causes.One thing you can be positive about.Anger has to be managed. You need to find anger management techniques that will work for you.

Anger can cause simple yelling.Or worse yet, if you are in a marriage, it can damage your marriage. Sometimes the anger gets so bad that a breakup would be ideal. But of course there are the times when anger gets so bad it leads to violence. There are too many cases of domestic violence.

That is why it so important when dealing with anger.By locating techniques and methods of treating this emotion, a lot of problems can be avoided.

Not dealing with it could lead to relationship breakups.It can start problems at your work.It can lead to social problems.All of these issues can be missed if you use anger managment to control it.

So if you seem to be having these troubles, go for help.Do not let the emotion of anger get the better of you.Treat it immediately.


Whether you do it professionally with a therapist. Or whether you find some techniques through a book.Treat it.

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Taking Stock of Our Personal Relationships - By: Dr. Robert Puff

One of the most important choices anyone makes in life is whom they spend their time with. The people we surround ourselves with will end up having influence on every area of our lives. Have you ever noticed that you may be having a wonderful day and feel very happy until someone who is being very negative comes around you and brings you down? This is magnified when it is someone you know personally and especially if it is someone close to you. However, the opposite is also true. You could start out having a pretty awful day, but due to a random act of kindness, you may find yourself feeling more optimistic and joyful.

There is great power in choosing positive and loving people to be in your life. Some people move through this world with negative opinions about almost everything, constantly complaining, putting others down, cursing at people as they drive, and generally taking a pessimistic view of the world. These individuals pinpoint everything that is wrong with the world around them, even though they may have difficulty seeing what lies within them.

People like this have the power to influence us in very negative ways. The most important reason to be careful about who we spend time with is that we can internalize someone’s words or non-verbal messages so that they become a part of our own thoughts. When this takes place, it magnifies the influence of that message immensely because we carry it around with us and replay it even when the individual is not present. If this person is constantly critical of us, we may second guess ourselves, put ourselves down, and develop feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing. These can cause us to make poor choices in regards to how we take care of ourselves and what kinds of relationships we allow ourselves to be in. If the individual is not attacking us personally, but is generally negative and cynical about people’s motives, we may find that spending time with this person brings on depression or anxiety for us.

Let us not forget that the non-verbal communication we receive from people such as tone of voice, facial expression, touch, and body language matter too! Tone of voice can be used to infuse words with meaning that they would not have if you read them on paper. Combinations of non-verbal communication used with or without words can convey messages such as: You are boring me and not worth my time; What you have to say fascinates me; I am moved by what you are sharing; I am angry with you!; You better do what I want you to or I’m going to hurt you; What you are saying is ridiculous; You are stupid; That’s an interesting thought, but I disagree; I am impressed by what you say; What you are saying makes a lot of sense--it makes me realize something; You are humorous; You are sweet; You are disgusting; You are beneath me; I put you on a pedestal; I approve; I disapprove; I love you; I hate you, and so on, endlessly.

We need to take a look at our everyday relationships with friends, co-workers, family members, spouses, and even new acquaintances. I urge you to examine your relationships one-by-one. Ask yourself these questions: What kinds of messages does this person send me about myself and my situation in the world? Am I being abused? Does the dynamic of the relationship draw out my best or my worst qualities? Do I like who I am when I am with this person? Do I feel brought down, lifted up, or neutral after spending time with this individual? Does this person use his or her proximity, touch or gestures in a way that is intimidating and demeaning or respectful, loving and supportive?

Every human being is valuable; however, not every relationship functions in a way that is beneficial to the parties involved. This is why we each need to take inventory of our lives and evaluate which relationships are “Keepers” and which are “Tossers.”
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The Benefits of Doing Anger Work - By: Dr. Robert Puff

The benefits of doing Anger Work are beyond measure. Instead of following in the footsteps of dysfunctional family role models you can find the freedom to break out of those behavior patterns and become the “you” that you have always wanted to be. Instead of sabotaging your own happiness by repressing your anger (which undermines your physical and emotional health via stress-related illness, obsessive-compulsive behavior, and/or depression) or exploding in anger (which fractures relationships in your life, and causes you to be hounded by guilt), now you can be proactive about resolving your own anger. You can get mad and get over it, without all the lingering side-effects.

As with anything in life that is truly worthwhile, there is a cost. Now that you have your anger work tools, I encourage you to be brave and think about your past, as much of it as you can, and see what you find. Get out your old photo albums, talk to your old friends and family about your life, or go visit some place in your past and see what feelings arise. Getting these old feelings to surface and then dealing with them via Anger Work is comparable to clearing all the moldy, disgusting leftovers out of your emotional refrigerator. Doing this type of emotional backtracking is a very serious, though fruitful endeavor.

The price of your healing is that you will need to invest your time and energy in this project. Financial success, owning a nice home, having a good reputation in your field of work, and finding your soul mate are all worthy goals. However, it is possible to have all those and still be unhappy because of depression, anxiety, or other symptoms that come from unresolved emotional issues. Your level of emotional health is the filter through which the rest of your life experiences are perceived. I urge you to ask yourself this question: is there anything more worthy of your time and attention than your own emotional well-being?

Take a moment and think of any person who has achieved greatness, not someone who has inherited riches or won the lottery, but someone who has achieved his or her own goals. How was the person able to accomplish so much? Personal commitment, hard work, and perseverance undoubtedly played a great role. Some of you may think that success has more to do with having good luck or good genes. I encourage you to read the biographies of two or three of your favorite successful people. Read about Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Oprah Winfrey, Isaac Newton, Michael Jordan, or Marie Curie and see what the important factors were in their lives. You will learn that people who are great achievers are very motivated and work hard to achieve their goals. They spent lots of time and energy developing and maintaining their skills. Achievement of any kind takes time and work. Make it your highest possible goal to heal from the abuses of your past and become fully you (the “you” you were intended to be, not the one you may have become as a result of being battered by life). To accomplish this you will need to do a lot of soul searching. Most people avoid their feelings because they lack the tools necessary to process painful and traumatic events. That is why so many people who were abused as children turn to addictive behavior. You are no longer in that predicament.

Now you know what you have to do to work out those emotions and heal. You simply have to be committed to your own health and make it happen. This entails taking time weekly, or better yet daily, to focus on your repressed feelings and heal them with Anger Work. Of course, the more you work on eliminating your emotional baggage, the quicker you will lighten your load. You will reap great rewards if you will spend the time.

For many of you, this will mean a lot of changes in you life. Usually, our lives are replete with responsibilities and activities that leave little or no time for self-reflection and Anger Work. In order to carve the time out of your schedule you may have to get good at putting together two letters of the alphabet, “N” and “O.” One of my greatest struggles as a therapist is to get people to say “no” to activities so they have time for Anger Work. If you are serious about your emotional health, then you need time to work on it. Saying “no” may not make you popular with others, but not saying “no” has consequences too. You may deceptively appear to be in good health for a while, but your body systems are slowly deteriorating.
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Anger Work through Hitting, Shooting, and Throwing Things - By: Dr. Robert Puff


Hitting, shooting, and throwing things are very popular ways people do Anger Work. You can take hold of a bat and start pounding away on a bed, couch, toy, or an object that represents the person with whom you are angry. Some people prefer to use their hands instead of a bat. Either way works just as well, as long as you are not hurting yourself.

Take caution in what objects you are using as you would not want to destroy an object that you or someone else would miss. If it is precious to someone else, it would throw you back into a guilt/shame cycle if you destroy it. If it is precious to you, the loss will detract from the benefits of the Anger Work. The point of this Anger Work is not just to pound on something. It is important to attempt to focus on your feelings about some issue or event in your life which still causes you to feel angry, sad or hurt. It is not necessary to focus on a specific event, you may simply allow your feelings to flow into your actions, and start hitting.

Just as hitting things is a natural means to work out our anger, so is aiming projectiles at an object. Shooting or throwing things can be a very effective Anger Work method. This may include rock throwing, dart throwing, shooting toy guns, or going to a real shooting range. Some people enjoy and greatly benefit from throwing rocks as a form of anger therapy. You can do this in the city or out in nature, using a nearby rock pile or skipping rocks into a body of water. I worked with a boy once who loved to throw rocks at a rock mound near my office. He and I would both throw rocks; he would always feel better afterward. Since then, I have done therapy with other boys, girls, and several adults who enjoy using this technique.

For those of you who want a specific object to focus your Anger Work on, I have a couple of suggestions. First, you can try using a photo or a drawing of your abuser and throw darts or shoot toy guns at it. A second option is to pretend that some toy is a “bad guy” and shoot it with a toy gun. I keep a variety of toy guns at my office. As you might guess, they are very popular with the kids and even with some of my adult clients. If you are an adult who needs a more intense form of Anger Work, you may want to try going to a shooting range where they rent both guns and ammo. I do not recommend shooting a real gun for everyone, because although it is a great form of Anger Work, it can be scary and emotionally traumatizing.

Going with a friend is recommended if you decide to do it. At the shooting range they instruct you in how to shoot the gun, and then let you use it on your own. They have targets with circular rings like a classic bulls-eye, or life-sized silhouettes of a man or woman. You could pretend that it is the man who raped you, or you may prefer to imagine it as a potential attacker, and how you would deal with that now that you are empowered and no longer a victim.

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Anger Work While Driving - By: Dr. Robert Puff

For those of you who spend a lot of time on the road every day, I have a few suggestions. First, while you are driving, you can squeeze the steering wheel and let your anger out. Or you can pound away on the seat or door next to you, or the dash board. Hitting the windshield is not recommended for obvious safety reasons. Yelling also works really well, and because no one else can hear you if your windows are up, it will probably be the most useful technique to use while driving.

People rarely take the time to really look at the other people driving by, and if people do see you yelling, you will probably never see them again. If you like, you can use a trick that my friend taught me. She is a singer and loves to sing at the top of her lungs in her car. She doesn’t care if anyone sees her singing, but she feels shy about being seen screaming. So when she is really mad about something, she either makes up a sarcastic song and belts it out to express her anger, or she simply taps her fingers on the steering wheel to make it look like she is keeping time with the beat on the radio while she yells with gusto!

Sooner or later, anyone who drives will encounter a rude driver, but those rude drivers can actually be helpful to you. First, remember not to act-out your anger by being rude back to them. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I usually wave and smile. But as soon as they are out of my sight I express how I feel about the way they drive. This may seem insincere at first, but in truth I do wish the person well. I am simply angry at them at that moment, but that is something I can deal with on my own.

For many people, anger is easily triggered while driving, including my clients who have a difficult time getting angry elsewhere. Carol was a client I worked with who could never bring herself to do Anger Work on a planned basis; however, she felt very angry whenever someone cut her off on the freeway. I encouraged her to go ahead and use these aggravating situations to work on her anger. She had lots of opportunities to express her anger because she lived in Los Angeles and commuted to and from work five days a week. As a result of this Anger Work, the stomach pains she had been experiencing from repressed feelings gradually went away.

I encourage you to release the anger you feel while driving. You may find, as Carol did, that it helps you to release other repressed feelings, unrelated to the traffic in the moment.

Overcoming Depression by Experiencing True Sadness and Using Anger Work - By: Dr. Robert Puff Do you find yourself suffering from depression? Usually depression results from some sort of trauma that has not been fully addressed. There are only two emotions that can help you overcome it. One is sadness and the other is anger. Sadness and Anger heal; depression does not. Sadness can be a very effective vehicle for healing. The only problem with sadness is that it is such a short leap from there to depression. Depression can keep a person stuck in the same place for years without any progress. Unfortunately, many people find the difference between sadness and depression obscure at best, and they often vacillate between the two. I encourage you to be very careful of depression because this is a thought disorder and it has an addictive quality. Depression actually prevents a person from getting better and can be a defense against real feelings. True sadness is when you reflect on the negative event, cry, and grieve over what happened. Afterward you feel a little bit better. Each time you feel sadness, you are one step closer to being well. Real sadness heals. Depression, on the other hand, is when you get into a downward spiral of negative thinking. It is wallowing in feelings of hopelessness. Depression only hurts and destroys. After an episode of depression you do not feel any better. It does not cleanse you. In fact you are likely to feel worse because of decisions you made while you were depressed. It usually starts by dwelling on the event, but soon goes beyond sadness about what happened and begins to color your attitude in a broader sense. Depression is characterized by negative self-talk including guilt-laden and hopeless messages. For example you may tell yourself X happened because “I’m so stupid” or keep repeating inside your head, “It’s all my fault.” Whether it is or not, that is not going to heal you.

You may even start assigning significance to the event beyond the appropriate scope. For example telling yourself “I will never be happy again” or “I don’t deserve to be happy” because of the failure of a particular relationship or effort to reach a goal. Or maybe your self-talk takes a less personal tone such as “’The world sucks!’ ‘People are cruel!’ ‘You can’t trust anyone!’ ‘Life is meaningless’ or ‘I want to die!’” An example of healthier self-talk would be: “Oh! this hurts so badly! I really messed up. I hate it when I mess up.” Then try to do some “Anger Work.” Beneath depression lies anger, so if you can get in touch with that feeling, you will more likely heal. Positive self-talk can sound like this: “I am going to make really sure this doesn’t happen again because I don’t like the way this feels.” If your pain is caused by something out of your control, then you can tell yourself, “This too shall pass, and I will survive somehow, and someday things will look better again.” In the mean time do Anger Work to keep from falling into depression. Let me give a couple of examples to illustrate the difference between sadness and depression.

An example of healing sadness: When I was younger, I purchased a beautiful Himalayan kitten from a man who was advertising them in the local newspaper. Because the owner did not have any registration papers, he was inexpensive and I was thankful. I named my kitten Tibet and we quickly fell in love. The first night when he came home he had so many fleas that I had to give him three baths in order to kill them. Tibet was so traumatized that he spent the whole night sleeping on my neck to feel safe. I had a major exam coming up the next day and could not sleep a wink! We became great buddies and spent immeasurable amounts of time together studying. Tibet would always sit on my book or papers as I worked. For two years he was a member of my family. He and I even had a special song: we would dance to it ever time we heard it on the radio. Then one day I came home and Tibet was walking very strangely. It was clear that he was not feeling well. I rushed him to the vet, but he died that evening from feline leukemia. He had contracted the disease before he ever came home with me. I was both very sad and very angry. I thought about Tibet often during the day, and whenever our song came on the radio, I cried during the entire song. Slowly, I began to heal. Because of my intense love for Tibet, two years passed before I was finished grieving and could think of him without crying. I never forgot Tibet, but I did heal.

An example of depression: A patient of mine named Kim had lost her six month old baby, Kyle, to S.I.D.S. It had been four years since Kyle died and Kim could not get over the loss because she blamed herself. She kept telling herself that if she had only checked on Kyle instead of talking on the phone with her friend, he wouldn’t have died. Kim thought that the rest of her life would be filled with nothing but misery because of Kyle's death. Her feelings of guilt drove her to depression and she saw no means of healing. Instead of being sad and grieving over the death of Kyle, she blamed herself over and over for his death. She had developed the habit of calling herself “murderer” and “killer” every time she made even a small mistake, like forgetting to water the plants. This anger turned inward left her depressed. She was punishing herself with abusive self-talk, and was beginning to entertain thoughts of suicide. She was caught in a vicious cycle of depression that was driving her further and further away from life and from her husband. That is when her husband intervened and brought Kim to my office. When Kim came to me, I helped her realize that her self-hatred was only fueling her depression and in no way healing her from her loss. Together we decided that her self-hatred and verbal abuse, which she was often not even aware of because the self-talk had become so automatic, needed to stop. She agreed to feel angry at God for taking her baby and stop blaming herself. She did Anger Work over her loss. She also visited Kyle’s grave and talked to him about how much she missed him. This, of course, brought tears of sadness, which helped Kim feel better, unlike her depression, which had only made her feel worse. Slowly Kim healed from the loss of Kyle and was able to forgive herself and God for his death. Now Kim and her husband have two more children and she is happy. She still thinks of Kyle from time to time, as I encouraged her to do after she finished therapy, but her depression is gone and her sadness only lasts while she is thinking of Kyle.

I repeat that I recommend Anger Work over sadness, for the bulk of your healing work. Certain situations like Kim’s lend themselves more to sadness than others. In these circumstances, part of the healing process is letting the tears flow. However, if the sadness starts to become overwhelming, it is time to get angry again. Anger work empowers you to stay out of depression.

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Non-Chemical Addictions People Use To Avoid Their Feelings - By: Dr. Robert Puff


Many people who have had negative experiences from the past wish to avoid their feelings and they find many ways to do so. Some of these are different kinds of addictions that prevent them from "thinking too much" or getting in touch with their real feelings. One of the ways these people cope is through one or more of several kinds of addictions.

Some people turn to drugs (prescription or illicit) and alcohol to alter their moods so that they don't have to feel their true responses to the events of their lives. This is the most well-known type of addiction, but there are other ways to suppress your feelings that don't involve substance abuse, and these may be harder to recognize. For example, one method is to develop a sort of addiction to romance. People who choose this route may constantly keep finding new love interests to occupy their time and/or thoughts. This may take the form of short, serial relationships with a pattern of breaking up or moving on as soon as it gets "boring." In this case, "boring" usually means that the initial "getting to know you" or infatuation stage has passed.

There is another form of this "romance addiction" in which the individual may have long term, rocky relationships. The partners may fight passionately, makeup, and then love passionately, only to start the cycle over again. Whenever things start to calm down one of the partners will introduce some new, troubling behavior to ensure that things remain consistently tumultuous. Regardless, the two feel inexplicably drawn to one another. For both types of romance addicts, an ordinary, long-term relationship with a stable partner will not do, because such a relationship is not consuming enough to serve its purpose. Due to the fact that it does not provide adequate distraction from whatever they are running from, it is deemed "boring".

Another addiction that may overlap with romance addiction, though not usually, is sexual addiction. In this case addicts obsess over the idea of engaging in sexual activity. Depending on the severity of the case this behavior can sometimes be viewed as socially acceptable. It can range from monogamous relationships in which the sexual aspect is over-emphasized, to extremely perverse behavior. Other examples include bar-hopping and one night stands, married partners who are habitually unfaithful, pornography addicts, and child abusers. Sex addicts may devote enormous amounts of time to the pursuit of partners, or to fantasizing and self stimulation. Their encounters are not characterized by genuine emotional intimacy because genuine intimacy requires that both partners be in touch with their feelings. Sex addicts use sex to stuff down their real feelings. They are not emotionally available to the partner if there is one, and may even be overtly abusive.

One of the most socially accepted addictions is work-addiction or "workaholism". In fact, unlike most addictions, this one can even generate praise and admiration for the addict. Many work-addicts are financially successful and hold prestigious positions. The line between healthy ambition and work-addiction is often fuzzy. Anyone who works for a salary knows that there is always something else you could stay late to work on. Those who punch a time clock can sign up for overtime or get a second or third job. Often these extra jobs seem necessary just to "make the bills."

Remember, most bills represent choices made. What are you choosing above your own peace and wholeness? Power locks and windows on your car? More toys? Think about it.

If you keep your mind so focused on your work that it precludes having time to feel or think about your problems, worries, and doubts, then you are probably addicted to your work. However, "workaholism" is not the only way to accomplish this effect.

There is another category of addiction that I call "busyism." "Busyism" is very close to work-addiction. The main difference is that you do not get paid for your efforts, and your time and energies can be spread over a broader spectrum of interests. Like work-addiction, "busyism" is likely to bring you praise from the outside world for your devotion and many hours of service.

Another non-substantance addiction some people habitually take-on is "project friends." These friends are very needy and so the "busy" person spends a great deal of time counseling, consoling, and rescuing the project friend from messes s/he has gotten him/herself into. Constantly being involved in a very needy person's life can be very distracting from the problems of one's own life. Taking on "project friends" is really just another form of "busyism."

Yet another example of "busyism" is the Mr. Fix-it to all his family and close neighbors. He still doesn't have much time for dates with his wife, quiet times of contemplation, or those rambling vacations he was looking forward to for all those years. Am I saying that everyone who volunteers for a non-profit organization or holds down a good job is some how off-balance? Of course not! Obviously there is a healthy place for helping others just as there is for work, romance, and sex. It is when you do not balance them with experiencing thoughts and feelings that they become problems.

Using the addictions and behaviors just described to avoid the deeper issues may help you hold it together and keep up appearances for a while. However, it is as unwise as letting termites eat away at your home. After a while there will be nothing but a shell, and eventually the whole thing will come crashing down. Using these distractions is like feeling safe only when you hide your head under the covers. Anger work provides a means by which you can confront that boogie man lurking in the corner of your mind. Anger Work can help you eventually vanquish it.

Lessons Children Teach Us About Managing Anger - By: Dr. Robert Puff Lesson 1: It is the pure emotions of anger and sadness that are at the root of our more complicated adult feelings.

When children are traumatized, they heal from it naturally as long as there is a safe environment to do so. Many children experience a wide range of traumas like sexual abuse, death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a new neighborhood, or being teased at daycare. As surprising as it may be, I have observed that there are only two emotions which children express to help themselves heal. These two emotions are ANGER and SADNESS. In affirmation of the wisdom of this natural choice by my young clients, I have noted a similar pattern among my adult clients. Those who make the most progress are those who get in touch with these primary emotions of sadness and anger.

Lesson # 2 Express your feelings. Don’t repress them.

As adults we develop defenses such as depression, anxiety, phobias, worry, stress-induced illnesses, and a myriad of other non-healing ways of trying to cope with emotional pain. In contrast to children, some adults never cry or display anger. Most adults take repression too far. While doing Anger Work, both children and adults learn to express their anger in safe environments. The following case of Shawn and Jaime are good examples of how children use their sadness and anger to heal themselves. (Please note that names and details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of my clients).

Once when I was directing a day care center, the parents of a two-year old child named Shawn was left with me by her parents. It was the first time in her life she had ever been separated from them. As I took Shawn from her anxious parents, she immediately started crying. Shawn cried off and on for the entire three hours. She never did let go of me, though I tried to set her down a couple of times. By the time her parents returned, my shirt was soaked.

The next week Shawn returned and of course started crying the second her parents left. I held Shawn for about five minutes and then she stopped crying. She slowly made her way out of my arms after watching the other children playing all around us. Though she kept a watchful eye out for me for a few minutes to make sure that I would rescue her, Shawn began to play. She never cried again when her parents left her at childcare with me. Shawn’s tears of sadness helped her heal from the emotional trauma of leaving her parents for the first time in her life.

As the case of Shawn demonstrates, experiencing and expressing your sadness through tears can be an effective tool for healing. However, I find that children between the ages of two and seven primarily express one feeling during their treatment: that is anger. They rarely cry about their trauma--they just get angry, sometimes very angry. Afterward they leave the session feeling better, and over time the symptoms which brought them into therapy go away. Children like Jaime in the following story have taught me that anger heals.

Jamie was a two-and-a-half year old girl with whom I worked for a year. She was brought to therapy because she had been sexually abused by a man and woman at a day care center where she was being watched for a few hours. Evidence of this crime was her radical behavior change after the incident. She regressed to soiling her panties, began playing with her private parts, started pinching and biting her younger brother, and did not want to return to the daycare. When I saw her, she appeared to be a sweet little girl who just wanted to play. During all the sessions with Jamie, her mom or dad stayed with us in the same room, reading magazines or books, so that Jamie would give me her full attention. Quickly Jaime began displaying intense anger towards toys as she played with them. She would growl at them, hit them, throw them, and even try to destroy them. Jamie had told her parents what happened at the daycare, but she never verbalized anything about the abuse during therapy. Her play clearly displayed that she was angry at the abusers who had fondled her private parts. The parents were instructed not to let Jamie aim her anger at them or her younger brother. Gradually during the year, Jamie’s behavior improved until she was back to her old self. Therapy was terminated and Jamie has never returned. She is reported to be doing fine.

Lesson # 3 Have an appropriate object for your wrath. Acting-out on people or animals takes you backwards.

Tony was an eight year old bully. He was always getting in trouble at school for teasing and tripping younger kids. Other times, he would take strings that had bells or forks attached to them and tie them to the cat’s tail in order to torment the poor old cat. Once Sam, the family’s golden retriever who loved people food, had to be rushed to the animal emergency hospital because he had suddenly become deathly ill. After surgery, the veterinarian found a cactus spine in Sam’s stomach. Tony confessed that he had given the cactus spine to Sam covered in butter. His parents were very concerned and did not know what to do.

First I helped them to come up with rewards for when Tony was behaving appropriately, and taught them to use time out for when he was taking out his anger on others. Having his parents reinforce appropriate behavior at home, in addition to bringing him to therapy was very helpful. Very shortly, Tony began to love coming to therapy, because here he and I had lots of toys and he could do whatever he wanted. As long as he did not direct it at me, he was free to express his anger. His favorite “toy” was my couch. He loved to throw things at it, jump on it, hit it whatever he wanted. When Tony first came to see me his anger was a constant threat, boiling just beneath the surface. He was expressing his anger at people and animals, and his problems only snowballed. His self esteem was very low and he felt that nobody really liked him. He was ostracized on the playground because he had done so many mean things to his classmates that most of them stayed away from him out of self-protection. In therapy he expressed his anger by directing it at inanimate objects and his life began to transform. He was now releasing his anger regularly, instead of letting it build up. Without all that repressed anger, he didn’t feel as many impulses to do mean things.

Lesson #4 Stay active and use your body to express yourself, especially when you’re doing Anger Work.

If you think about it from a historical perspective, it has not been long since our world was much more physically active, like our children’s world. In the past, people did more physically demanding work for a living. They spent 5-12 hours a day doing something physical, like chopping wood, harvesting fields, hand-washing the laundry or grinding grain. This type of work provided more natural opportunities for letting off steam.

Today our lives are often more sedentary. We need to be proactive in creating opportunities for exercise and include a healthy expression of anger at the same time. My young clients are almost always throwing, shooting, or hitting something during their sessions. Combining physical work with anger work is not only good for the body, but for the psyche as well. Today we must work to add that additional activity to our daily lives.

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Anger Management Via Anger Work - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Anger Work is a therapeutic tool that works because so many people carry around emotional and psychic wounds that they express in a variety of ways, such as addictions or outbursts of anger. In order to heal the wounds, the person needs to specifically focus on the anger within. By focusing on the trauma over and over, the pain will gradually go away, never to affect you again. Anger Work teach you how to do just that and is the healthy path to healing.

Three types of individuals would benefit from Anger Work:

1. Those who know they are angry.
2. Those who are struggling with past events and perhaps don’t know they have repressed anger.
3. Those who wish to lead happier, more fulfilling lives.

This article will deal strictly with the people in the first category—Anger Work for people who know they are angry.

A comparison can be made between our physical health and our emotional health. When the body experiences a severe injury or laceration, infection will most certainly occur if the wound is left unattended. Eventually, it will fester and may even turn into gangrene, a life threatening condition. If, however, the wound is cleansed thoroughly and allowed to heal completely, all that is left is a scar to remind the victim of the event.

Likewise, when an emotional wound is sustained by the psyche, it will start to affect other areas of the person’s life, just as infection spreads to other parts of the body. People who do not learn how to deal with abusive people or emotional pain appropriately will start to experience a cumulative negative effect because unfortunately, emotional pains and abusive people are part of everyday life. Eventually the individual’s overall emotional and psychological health will be at risk. But if the emotional wound is cleansed well, and allowed to heal completely, all that is left is a memory. Like an old scar, this memory does not hurt. It becomes no more than a record of your personal memory, an experience that you have learned from. Anger Work is the cleansing process that can bring this healing about.

People who do not learn how to deal with abusive people or emotional pain appropriately will start to experience a cumulative negative effect because unfortunately, emotional pains and abusive people are part of everyday life. Eventually the individual’s overall emotional and psychological health will be at risk.

Okay, so you know you are angry. You have been mistreated or abused and you’ve had enough of that. You may be in touch with the feelings of your anger, but have not yet started expressing them, or you may be a seasoned veteran at “giving people a piece of your mind.” You may even have a “temper problem” so serious that you experience episodes in which your anger seems to have control of you, rather than your being in control of your anger. People have been getting angry since the beginning of time, and that is nothing new. You may be thinking, “I don’t need a book to tell me to get mad when somebody does something that ticks me off!” But Anger Work is not simply “getting mad” at someone, nor does it deal exclusively with the present. People who describe themselves as having a “temper problem” are generally people who have had some very negative experiences in the past. Because they have not yet successfully worked through all their feelings about these events, they walk around with “leftovers,” that is, leftover anger from situations that happened a long time ago. They bring these “leftovers” with them into every new situation. The result is that they are already somewhat angry before anything happens. So when someone does something that might normally be a minor source of irritation, the person with “leftovers” finds him or herself inordinately angry. They feel the anger of the current situation plus the “leftovers” they had in store. In situations that would normally make them feel genuinely angry, and for good reason, they go beyond that and become explosive. They may haul off and slug a person or berate him or her verbally instead of of assertively asking someone to stop the offending behavior. You may be experiencing problems because of angry outbursts. Or maybe you haven’t done anything regrettable yet, but you feel like a volcano about to explode and burn everything in your path. If either of these descriptions fits you, you can learn how to channel your anger and aggressive feelings in positive ways. Over time, through Anger Work, you can work out all your residual feelings of anger so that you have no “leftovers.” You will break out of the negative cycle of Anger → Outburst → Guilt → Regret → Shame → Anger, without becoming a doormat.


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Ways to Heal From Past Trauma with Art - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Most of us know that art work is an excellent means of self-expression, but how many people know that art therapy, or “Anger Work” through the use of art can be successful as well? Art just for the fun of it is not what we are discussing though. Art as a simple pleasure might keep you from losing your mind, but art as Anger Work is something else. It is a more active way to express your anger through what you create or do. Many examples of anger or other strong emotions can be found from the greatest artists, painters, musicians, and dancers, but the rest of us can focus our anger and thereby heal, as well. You don’t have to master an Art to use art as a means of working through your anger.

Kids and others not so young really benefit Art Anger Work. They may imagine a descriptive picture with their angry emotions, or they may physically create and then intensely destroy some art work. It is best to let your anger flow as you create paintings, for example. One victim of sexual molestation may design abstract drawings dominated in black tones. Another may create a jumble of body parts expressing the confusion and disconnectedness he feels. A particularly distressed client I knew many years ago was angry at a former therapist who used to eat cookies during their sessions and had even fallen asleep during a session with the client on one occasion. To express this anger she drew a caricature of her former therapist lounging on the couch with cookie crumbs all over her. Her eyes were heavily lidded, and a little balloon above her head read “Want a cookie?” My client drew herself on the other couch as a nondescript naked body with a huge knife sticking out of her guts and blood pooling on the floor below her. She was careful to include the plaque that hung ironically on her former therapist’s wall: it read “It’s Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood.” In this one drawing the client was able to express her desperate need for help and her anger at feeling neglected by the therapist.

To begin your anger work through art, just let your creativity go. Who knows, perhaps you will create some items worth selling someday. A couple of professional artists with whom I have worked with over the years have changed their style of artistic expression after getting into Anger Work. They often feel even more connected to their pieces because of the intense level of self expression.

Some other modes of artistic expression you may want to explore are those of expressive dance, creative movement, and creative visualization. This could even be in the form of a creative work-out routine. For example, as a survivor of rape or sexual abuse you may create a special work-out routine as one of my clients did. There were three movements to her routine. The first was a straight, strong punch forward at eye level, imagining that she was punching her attacker in the face. The second movement was a swift, powerful kick upward, imagining that she was kicking the attacker in his private parts. The third movement brought her arm up over her head, then down in front in a swift swinging motion where her clenched fist met her open palm like a hammer, finally symbolizing her crushing the attacker’s private parts between an anvil and a large, metal hammer. She repeated these movements in sequence for 15 to 20 minutes at a time several times a week, or whenever she felt the victim mentality taking hold of her again. She found it helped her move from a place of fear into a sort of dance that tells a story, the way a ballet does. You do not need to have special training to do this. It is your story. As a whole being, body, mind and spirit, you can express your experience with yourself as the only audience. Creative movement is not the same thing as expressive dance. It can be one, simple, repetitive movement or a series of movements that have symbolic meaning to you.

Creative Visualization is another tool, a sort of art form in your mind, which you can use. You can pretend that you are a lion ripping up the person who hurt you, or you can imagine a cleansing fire burning away all the evil in a person and leaving behind only that which is good and worthy of remaining. Use your imagination and visualize symbolic scenes which will help you heal.

Here’s a great idea for a fun way to use creative visualization. Find a metaphor that works for you and visualize yourself rising above your current problems. You can pretend that you are hiking on the path of life and your particular problems are vines trying to grow around your ankles and keep you from climbing to higher ground. Visualize yourself overcoming that challenge by stomping on them, hacking them up or simply climbing over them.

Any number of art activities or creative visualizations can serve as Anger Work for you. Relax and let yourself go. Keep trying until you find one that works, or many! What is important is that you do find effective ways to do your Anger Work so that you can live a more peaceful, joyful life.

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Important Tips For A Good Relationship With Your Kids - By: Dr. Robert Puff

One of the most important aspects of raising healthy children is parents’ presence in their children’s lives. Sadly, studies have shown that most parents spend well under 15 minutes per day actually communicating one on one with their children. The benefit of communicating one on one, making eye contact and paying attention to subtleties in your children’s body language allows you a view into their world. By doing this you will be aware if they are having problems at school, with friends, family, or peer pressures. If you don’t ask, and don’t pay attention, whom will your child talk to? They may talk with their friends, and while it is great to have such a support, do you really want a child or teenager giving your child advice about important life decisions? Many times it may be these very friends who are pressuring them to do things, or perhaps they may have peers who are jealous of them in some way and who may guide them towards not so healthy decisions. While there can be some truly great friends out there that your children may have in their lives, how equipped are they for giving advice on some of the struggles that they themselves have not even faced? There may also be some things in your child’s life that they have difficulty bringing up with their friends as well, leaving no one for them to talk with. This amplifies the significance of your communication with them because if they can’t talk to you and are receiving poor advice from friends, they will have to struggle with their feelings on their own, most likely bottling them up and harboring them deep inside. This creates great problems for children that lead to problems in adulthood as well.

The great epidemic of children cutting themselves, having eating disorders, and substance abuse as well as a plethora of other addictions have a very strong link with bottled up emotions. Nearly all of these are directly related to an individual (child or adult) having difficulty expressing his or her emotions. Think about it. If you have nobody to talk to, you will have difficulty expressing your emotions.

Don't confuse "spending time" with your children with taking them to and from after school activities (although this is very important too). Spending time with your children means being with them one on one, listening to them, and caring about what they have to say. Spending time with the family as a whole is also very important for your child. Eating dinner and engaging in family activities together will not only bring your family closer, it will send the message that they are all important not only to you, but to each other as well. It's important to keep in mind that the time you spend with your children shouldn't be spent only doing the things you enjoy. Find out what your children are interested in and do these things with them. It takes work and may not be the thing that you are really looking forward to doing on your time off, but we guarantee that if you do this, you will be much more likely to have happy and healthy children.

It can be truly amazing in therapy that after a few weeks of engaging in activities or games with a child in session and after listening to them talk about the latest drama with friends that they will all of a sudden just open up and say what they are feeling and what is troubling them. Some teens have to talk about how they are struggling to have sex with their partners, or that they may be pregnant, but can’t even tell their parents because they don’t feel safe. If they had a good connection and relationship with their parents, they would be able to talk with them and wouldn’t need counselors.

The reason children and teens talk to counselors about these things is that they have learned that they feel cared for and safe as we will not judge or condemn them for their feelings or what their predicaments are. Even though we talk with them about the potential consequences of their actions, they consistently feel like they can trust us and we will be there for them no matter what. It is even more important for your children to receive this message from you as their parents.
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Shame and Harm From Hurting Others - By: Dr. Robert Puff

The more things you do to harm others, the more shame you have to heal from. It is true that victims sometimes feel shame over the degrading abuse they have experienced; however, this is much more easily overcome in therapy than the shame you feel over times that you yourself were abusive to others. As surprising as it is, time and time again I have found it to be true that the most important factor in a victim’s recovery from abuse is not what happened to him or her, but rather what he or she did in response to what happened. If you chose to hurt others in response to your own pain, then you will be in therapy much longer.

People who hurt others extremely severely such as raping someone or committing murder, rarely ever become fully functioning because of the tremendous amount of courage and strength it requires to sort through those memories and receive forgiveness. One man I worked with had been sexually abused as a child by his father. He felt powerless to do anything back to his dad, so he channeled his anger toward someone weaker than himself. He sexually abused his younger brother for several years while they were growing up.

At the time of the abuse, he tried hard not to think about what damage his behavior might be inflicting and rationalized that everyone has sexual needs. He told himself, “If I lived through it, so can he. After all, he deserves it, the little brat.” We all know that this type of abuse can be incredibly damaging to the victim, but what we often fail to see is that it can be even more damaging to the abuser. If you do not believe this, just imagine how you would feel looking in your mirror knowing that you had been the perpetrator of such a crime. When this client reached adulthood, he entered therapy and started working through the issues surrounding his own abuse. During this process he realized how serious his crime against his brother was.

The intensity of his shame was overwhelming. He tried hard to apologize for his abusive behavior, but to little avail. His brother, who is now a drug addict, does not want to talk about the abuse. This man has spent many years in torment over his choice. He still suffers from serious bouts of depression because although he continues to work at forgiving himself, it is very hard to do. Though the consequences are not as obvious in less extreme cases, they are still there; this principle holds true regardless of the severity of the offense. When you say mean things or act abusively toward others, you extend the time it will take for you to become whole, and you make your own recovery more difficult. You must try to avoid being unkind to people even in small ways, not only for their sakes but for your own as well.

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The Karma of Hurting Others - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Recovery from abuse takes much longer when you have been abusive to others.

One of my professional and personal interests has been to interview people who have been extremely abusive and see how they feel about their abusive behavior. When I ask the questions in a non-shaming way, people usually confess to their horrible guilt and shame. They do not let others see this because they feel so bad already that they don’t want others to hurt them any further. It is like a child who won’t let you take out her splinter for fear that it will make it hurt more than it already does.

One of my clients Michael was a good example of this. He had cheated on his wife several times and hated himself for his behavior. But because his guilt was so painful, he tried to hide that tender spot from everyone. He portrayed anger to those he loved in order to shield his wounds of shame. Many people use this same coping mechanism.

If we come to understand this behavior pattern, abusive people’s actions will make a lot more sense to us. Some people think that if they act like grizzly bears on the outside, they can avoid getting hurt because no one will come close enough to hurt them. Well, they’re right about one thing, no one can come close. The problem is that this isolation brings its own kind of pain. In addition, by being harsh and abusive with others, they only add to that mound of shame that they are trying to hide. It makes for a miserable existence. In working so hard to make sure that no one else hurts them, they usually end up hurting themselves at least as badly.

In contrast to this reality, most television shows, movies, and novels make it seem like abusers have no conscience. The classic villain is a person who can carry out all sorts of dastardly deeds without a twinge of conscience. This antagonist is wicked to the bone and can grin with genuine (albeit perverse) pleasure as he causes others to suffer. Many of us come to believe that this is a realistic picture of our own abusers, and that this is how we would feel if we ever decided to go down that same path. Well, before you feel too tempted and start thinking “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” let me assure you that this is not the case. It is a very inaccurate portrayal of how life really is.

In reality, abusers hate themselves and their lives, even if they don’t show it to the outside world. The only exception to this is a sociopath, and these are very rare. So rare, in fact, that chances are, you’ve never known one. So we must not think that all the bad people in our lives are sociopaths. Your abusers feel shame and suffer when they hurt you. Sometimes remembering this fact makes it easier to hold back from lashing out. Rest assured that they will reap what they have sown. You don’t have to dirty your own hands by trying to get involved in the process.

If you are still not convinced that abusive behavior produces a miserable life, try to think of five people whom you have known personally or known about who were mean and cruel to others during their lives. Look to see how their lives turned out. Sometimes you will have to wait until they are older to see the results. Who still loves them? How is their quality of life? Perhaps one of them will share with you how much of his or her life was spent hating themselves. They guard this secret very well because they are in such torment, they do not want to let others have a chance to inflict further wounds. Their lives end up so horribly because they hate themselves.

Abusive people can choose to change, but that involves taking a long, hard, honest look at themselves, facing what they’ve done, and then working through the shame, pain, sorrow, and anger. Because this is so difficult, most chronically abusive people choose to keep acting-out on others while avoiding self-reflection. You see, someone who has been abused but chooses not to become an abuser can find the courage, given a supportive environment, to face the memories of their abuse and do Anger Work about them.

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Living in the Present Moment - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Many people struggle with two main things in life: Fear and Yearning. Fear can come from bad experiences in the past that we fear will repeat. Fear can also arise from considering the potential loss of the things we value or cherish. This could be a job, a house, a reputation, or a loved one. Yearning, on the other hand, may stem from pleasurable experiences in the past that ignite our desire for more, or from goals as yet unobtained, that we believe will bring us pleasure.

Unfortunately, what is missing as people bounce back and forth between these relentless fears and insatiable desires is the wonders and pleasures of the present moments that are passing them by.

People suffer when they get stuck in their fears and yearnings. But is this suffering inevitable? No, there is a way to break free from this. We need to work towards quieting the relentless fears and desires that ravage us throughout our lives. Our suffering ends when we learn to be 100% present with what is happening now, and lose our mental chatter of “I want this” or “I don’t want that.”

Of course, this is easier said than done. It starts with the intention to let go of these fears and yearnings and leads you to finding a more conscious, peaceful place for your mind to rest. Then take one step back from your own thoughts, as if your mind were a movie screen, and your thoughts the images of a movie flashing across it. Become the observer of your thoughts, for they are the source, constantly creating the fears and yearnings.

When you are watching a movie, you are often aware that the images are not real, true events. Carry this awareness over as you observe your own thoughts. If you try to suppress your desires, or run from your fears, they get louder. Instead, simply witness your fears and desires as they arise and then get back to the now, not what could happen or what might not, just what actually is right now. The chatter in your mind will become more quiet. Then the stillness and beauty of the present moment can take you to places beyond what you could ever imagine.

Bliss, or extreme peacefulness best describes the feeling of living in the now. The mental energy that was previously being directed toward all the “what if…” scenarios can return to you, replenishing your energy, and freeing you to notice what is good about this very moment you are living right now. Living in the present moment is a great way to learn how to live a more peaceful life.

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Implementing "Time-Out" with Younger Children - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Most of you have probably heard of “time-out” before and we are mentioning it now because if done correctly it works, especially for younger children. The purpose of time out is to remove the child from a more reinforcing situation. Doing this weakens the misbehavior so that it occurs less frequently over time. This usually works relatively quickly unless the misbehavior has been previously positively reinforced for some time (i.e. getting what they want when they throw a temper tantrum). Time-out can be used for several reasons: to remove the child from a stimulus they are enjoying because they are misbehaving, to isolate the child for a limited period of time in order to allow the child to calm down, and also to allow time for parents to calm down and decrease their anger towards the child. The child also learns here that if they are angry and behave aggressively or in a bad way, they will be isolated and given time to calm down. This teaches them a crucial skill for life: to calm down before acting out of anger.

When using time-out, there are a few guidelines that are important to follow:

1) Refrain from arguing about time-out. If you have warned your child once, and he or she did not listen, it is time to implement it.

2) Time-out should be in a place where they will not have any stimulation (i.e. sending them to their room where all their toys are is not a good place because they will most likely play with their toys). No friends, siblings, toys, or TV.

3) Time-out should be made for a specified amount of time and stick to this time. Often a timer is used so the child can see how much time has elapsed and how much time remains. It is often recommended to use the same amount of minutes as your child’s age.

4) If they get up, talk, yell or argue you must restart the time. You may also choose to have your child sit in isolation until he or she calms down.

Time-out is especially helpful for toddlers and young children, but it works for older children as well. In fact, removing your child from an escalating situation would be best for all parties involved. This takes some work at first, and you really need to be consistent.

While it is very important to set consistent consequences, and use techniques such as time-out when appropriate, it is also very important to reinforce your child in a positive manner as well. In fact, positive reinforcement is one of the most powerful ways to shape (create) desired behaviors. Both our own experience in working with children as well as numerous empirically validated studies, have shown the powerful effects of positive reinforcement. It is something you need to be consistent and proactive about though.

The definition of positive reinforcement is to present something positive or rewarding to an individual after he or she has engaged in a desired behavior. This positive reward makes the behavior more likely to exist in the future and is one of the most powerful tools for shaping and changing behavior. In the beginning it is especially important to be consistent, otherwise the child will call your bluff and feel there is no use in doing the desired behavior. It may frustrate many parents who feel "Why should I be rewarding a behavior that they should already be doing anyway?An important question to ask yourself is, "Are they doing it now? How is your method working?" It is amazing how even if a child is hit or verbally abused they will either continue to engage in that negative behavior or avoid the desired behavior. And it is even more amazing to see how their behavior changes if they are positively reinforced instead of receiving punishment. An important note here is that kids want attention--negative or positive! So that child who is always getting negative attention through threats, punishments, etc is getting noticed. No one wants to feel invisible, and being bad gets you noticed.

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Inspirational Stories of Living in the Moment - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Through the years, I have had the privilege of meeting many incredible people who have had a profound effect on my life. They are wonderful examples of living in the moment; of how practicing this philosophy can change not only the individual who lives in the now, but how much they can affect those around them. I would like to share a couple of their inspirational stories with you.

Verna:

When I was working on a doctorate degree, I had the good fortune of meeting Verna, a wonderful woman who lived in a local nursing home. Verna was basically alone in the world. Both her husband and son had died. Her only grandson was a drug addict, and she hadn’t heard from him in years. On top of everything else, she was plagued by multiple health problems. And yet, Verna was one of the happiest people I have ever met. Instead of moping around thinking about all of the things that had gone wrong in her life, she spent her days trying to make everyone in the nursing home feel better. She chose to be happy, in spite of her life’s circumstances. “God has kept me here for a reason,” she said cheerfully. That reason was to reach out to other people and fill their days with as much joy as Verna could provide for them. Verna found peace and contentment by refusing to succumb to negative thoughts, and by accepting "what is" in spite of her experiences and surroundings. I was drawn to Verna because of her positive attitude, and I rarely missed our weekly breakfast together. Though she has passed away, I’ve never forgotten her.

Betty:

Another good friend is Betty, an inspiring woman whom I met in a meditation group. When Betty was in her thirties, she began having severe medical problems. She talks about the fact that she actually died during surgery and the near death experience that she had when her heart stopped. Betty describes it as a blissful, intense and mystical feeling. She was “at one with the Universe and enjoyed the ultimate sense of peace.” She was revived, but never fully recovered. The result has been years of poor health and living in intermittent episodes of pain. Her life looked very bleak, and she had given up on pretty much everything. While undergoing physical therapy, Betty met a little girl who was also having treatments. The child had such a positive outlook on life, she inspired Betty to accept her own situation, to love life, and to live in the moment. That was 35 years ago. Today Betty uses a walker, wears braces on her legs, and lives alone. Still, she is one of the most peaceful, loving people I have ever met. She is totally comfortable with her physical problems, and has learned to love life. While meditating, Betty often has mystical experiences, harkening back to her near death experience.

Through the years, I’ve known children in hospital oncology wards. Many of these kids were in pain; some were dying. You’d think that they would be extremely unhappy and depressed. But these kids are absolutely amazing. In spite of their suffering, they are typically upbeat and positive. These beautiful children have barely lived their lives; and yet, they’re not afraid of dying. Even though they are in pain, may individuals who are terminally ill continue to hang onto life. Why? Because they’re worried about the anguish their family will experience when they die. Most of these children are peaceful because they are accepting what’s happening in the moment. I highly recommend that you visit an oncology ward to meet some of these remarkable children. They are truly an inspiration.

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How What You Listen to Affects Your Well-Being - By: Dr. Robert Puff

Have you ever driven to work and realized upon arrival that you don't remember the journey? Perhaps you were zoned out. Can you remember what you were listening to during that time? How many ads played while you were driving? Were you listening to a talk show? If so, what attitudes and outlooks were expressed? Unless you are playing a CD or music from your I-pod, chances are you've been listening to things that can seriously affect you mental and emotional well-being.

Music: In regards to music, we really need to pay attention to what we are listening to! Unless it's instrumental or you know what the words are saying, I don't recommend that you leave on just any background music. While I’m at the gym I always bring my own music and headphones so that I can have control over what music, or input, I am listening to. I am not promoting one type of music as better than another. I believe you can find songs without negative lyrics in any genre of music. When you buy an album read the lyrics, especially if you don’t really know what the songs are saying, because what you listen to all day long will affect your state of mind.

Talk Radio and News: It is important to keep ourselves informed of the current events that affect us, our families and the world at large. That being said, we need to be just as careful about the news and talk radio that we take-in as we are about all of our other media consumption. With TV news, as with other programming, I recommend pre-recording. Unless you have friends or family in the particular area where an accident occurs or you are in a related industry, you really don't need to know about all the details of every accident across the nation. You will want to know if something like Hurricane Katrina happens-- perhaps you can do something to help--but you do not need to hear every crime and tragedy that occurs around the world. That is depressing! You especially don’t need to hear it repeated over and over again.

When it comes to radio talk shows, remember that while they may impart bits of information, often of dubious origin, they are designed primarily to entertain. You are the consumer that they are marketing their product to. Their product is their program. Pay close attention to what emotions arise in you as you listen. Many talk shows use the hook of evoking strong emotional response to keep you listening. How is your blood pressure affected? What impact if any does listening have on your mood, outlook, and feelings toward others? Did you learn something of value that you can actually act upon, or did you just get yourself riled up? These are the tests that you can apply when deciding whether a show is beneficial to you or not. If you are looking for “just the facts” then print versions of news, whether online or on paper, tend to have fewer emotional “hooks” and require less of your time and energy to relay the information.
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How to Love Your Children Unconditionally - By: Dr. Robert Puff

It is important to note that you build and create your children’s self-esteem and self image. The words and actions you choose in interacting with them will have long lasting effects on them for the rest of their lives. This may seem like a no brainer, but the problem that arises is what parents say when they are angry, tired, stressed, and when their child is not listening or obeying. The way you treat your children and the words you use with them matter. Even the things you think about your children matter too, so try to think positive things about them, otherwise they will feel and most likely become the very things you are thinking about. This is called the self-fulfilling prophecy because although the original thought or prophecy may have been false, a child may start to believe it as true, so then their behaviors and reactions ultimately live up to what was expected of him or her. You have a great influence over the way your children feel about themselves.

“Conditioning” is what happens when an individual is exposed to certain things, and then in turn acts or feels a certain way because of what they were repeatedly exposed to. For example, if your parents threatened or said they didn’t love you, or said that they hated you, called you names or put you down when they were angry, you may unconsciously find yourself doing this when you are upset. Perhaps you grew up and vowed never to say those things to your kids or to other people, but do you say them to yourself?

The point is, although children are resilient, when they grow up in a home where they are verbally abused and put down, there will be profound negative effects. Sometimes this comes in the form of self-hate, which can then turn into hate and anger towards others. Remember the saying. You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. Great wisdom exists in these words.

Be mindful of what you say to your children! If you give them unconditional love and acceptance, they will grow and flourish, learning to love themselves and to be able to have faith and trust in others around them--especially you. By supporting your children in this way they will learn that they can trust in you and they will more likely come to you when they have a problem. All kids struggle with issues with peers at one time or another. It is important that you be there for your child in a supportive and nonjudgmental manner. Don’t you remember what it was like to be a child or teen and how you felt at times like nobody in the world understood you--especially your parents? Didn’t you hate that feeling? Some of the things that children struggle with may seem very trivial, but to them it is their whole world, and their feelings need to be respected. The reason why we are able to help the children and teens we work with is because we really listen and care about what they are saying. If you build this type of relationship with your child, it will be easier to talk with him or her about crucial areas that need to be discussed, such as drugs and sex.

Unfortunately most of what children know about sex is by what the media tells them (i.e. television, magazines, internet), by what their friends tell them, and by their own experiences. It may seem easy enough to just say no sex until you’re married, and while this is a great idea and hope to have for your child, the reality is that many children become sexually active well before marriage. But the truth is, the more you talk with them--really talk with them--about the ins and outs of sex, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, attachment and heartache, they may be less likely to engage in it. Or if they do, they will make better choices about it. This also doesn’t mean just sitting down with them one time and talking about it, you need to check in with them from time to time and ask them about their friends and pressures at school or what they have been hearing.

Once again, try not to judge. This may be very difficult as you may not like what you hear, but it’s better that you know what your children are being exposed to than being left in the dark. This way you can help guide them and give them the support they need to make the right choices. Do not confuse this with having the sole role of friend to your child, because although you do need to be your child’s friend, your role as parent needs to come first. This is also true for discussions about drugs. You need to talk with your children about drugs, and please don’t wait until it is too late. Teach them while they are young, talk to them about what happens to people when they become addicted to drugs, and talk to them about peer pressure. Give them tools and ideas for how to say no. And be aware of what your children are doing, pay attention to their moods and behavior, and if you learn they are doing drugs, get help. Put your foot down, set limits. It is not okay for your child or teen to be using drugs or alcohol--period. And with this be careful what you are modeling for them. If you don’t want them to drink and smoke, it would be wise not to partake in these activities either. Otherwise you will be what your children will correctly call a hypocrite--and nobody wants to listen to a hypocrite. The sad thing is that your words don’t mean much if your actions are saying something else. What you teach your children now will help them to be healthy functioning adults when they grow up.
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Strategies for Managing Relationships - By: Dr. Robert

Puff Following are some guidelines covering areas that people commonly struggle with. They are meant to help you maintain healthy boundaries and improve the quality of your interactions with others. When I use the term ‘boundaries’ in this psychological setting, I’m referring to that invisible fence that needs to exist between any two people in order for the relationship to be healthy. When someone tosses a psychological grenade into our emotional landscape, or trespasses on our domain by being controlling or butting into our business, we say, “This person has crossed the line!” That line is our boundary. I hope you will find these suggestions helpful.

Abuse

Many clients that I work with have been treated poorly and even abused by family members, peers, and intimate partners in the past. As a result, they have become accustomed to this sort of treatment, and often tolerate cruel and disrespectful behavior. In a sense, they don’t know any better. I hope this won’t be your first time hearing this, but let me clearly say that unkind and degrading behavior is not okay–from anyone! If you are being physically abused, remove yourself from that situation immediately and find a safe place to work on the changes you need in your life.

That being said, it is also possible for someone in your life to become upset and engage in negative, critical behavior that is not typical for him or her. When someone who cares about you has treated you badly, it is important for that individual to acknowledge this, show remorse, and take steps not to do this to you again. Human communication is inherently imperfect. It is possible for us to misinterpret someone’s intent in any given instance, either because of the way it was phrased or because of a bias on our own part. A certain amount of grace is required to navigate any relationship. However, if you find yourself in a pattern in which you are continually attempting to understand while an individual explains that his or her comment - which sounded cruel - meant something different than what you understood, take this as a red flag. Unless you have been diagnosed with paranoia, trust your gut instinct.

Some people have a pattern of hurting others repeatedly, only to apologize and promise to change, which they do, but often only temporarily. This is the classic cycle of domestic violence or abuse that so many individuals find themselves in. This not only applies to domestic violence, but to any kind of abuse. If you are caught in this cycle, set a boundary by creating enough space between yourself and the abuser for you to gain some clarity and peace. You will need this renewed perspective to help you make the important decisions about how to proceed.

Gossip and Negative Talk

I remember watching an episode of Gilligan’s Island when Gilligan found berries that allowed him to read other people’s minds. Gilligan shared the berries with his friends on the island, and not too long after this everyone started hating one another because they could hear the negative things they were thinking about each other. Gilligan burnt all the berries and everyone got mad at him and questioned why he had done this. He said “but look at how much damage it was causing!”

The moral of this story is that sharing all your negative thoughts with people causes damage to them and your relationship with them. When you hurt others, you just have to forgive yourself, and forgiving ourselves is probably one of the most difficult things to do. Even when you don’t say anything, but are thinking really mean thoughts about someone, it is not healthy for you. It can cause you to see yourself in a negative light, as cruel and unforgiving. At the very least, it robs you of your joy in experiencing the present moment.

The good news is that the reverse of this behavior is also true. When you focus on the beautiful traits of others, and even cultivate the habit of sharing your kind observations with them, your world will change. People around you will feel your love and warmth and benefit from it. You will feel more loving, and perhaps, slowly but surely, you will start to fall in love with yourself. Kindness, gentleness, warmth, and love are the gems of life. Share them with others and yourself, and see how “the world” begins to change.

It is also a good idea to limit your exposure to people who enjoy painting the worst possible picture of how things are - the Eeyores and Chicken Littles of your life. Assess whether the relationship is a “keeper” or “tosser.” If it is a keeper, you can care for them and love them, but don’t let them drag you down.

If you are in the presence of people who are gossiping, speaking negatively about another person, or taking the most negative view possible of a situation, I recommend redirecting the conversation. You can change the direction of the conversation by making a positive remark on the subject, or changing the subject entirely. Some may find it difficult to take such initiative and change the direction of the conversation, or it may simply not be worth the effort in many instances. If you find yourself in this position, the best thing you can do is cut the conversation short and just walk away. If you make a habit of only participating in positive conversations, you will find that you attract people with a positive attitude.

Teasing

Teasing is an area that is important to address as it often occurs between couples, families, and friends. Teasing can be harmful because it usually contains underlying criticism to it. Many people use teasing as a covert way to deliver complaints that are sensitive in nature. For example, a spouse might tease his or her partner about weight, or that “honey do” list. Usually the result of this kind of teasing is to irritate, if not emotionally injure the person being teased. It rarely results in the change that the teaser might hope for.

Another type of teasing is to pick on characteristics that the person may have no control over, such as a permanent physical trait or lack of ability. This may be an unconscious means of social positioning, like wolves in a pack, or it may be a well-meaning substitute for positive affection. Some men are uncomfortable with complimenting or being affectionate with other males, even their own family members. Their conditioning has taught them that this is “sissy stuff.” In an ironic twist, instead of saying “I love you” to the ones they care about, they tease them, having the opposite effect. In their own minds those doing the teasing may know that the characteristic they are teasing about is just a distinguishing quality that they find endearing; however, the one being teased almost never understands it that way.

Maybe you or someone you spend time with is in the habit of teasing. It might seem that you can’t have fun without teasing, but teasing can hurt a relationship and damage the self-esteem and confidence of an individual. No matter how tough or strong a person’s exterior is, we all care what our loved ones think of us, and we are all sensitive to the damage that teasing causes. Part of living a healthy lifestyle is eliminating mean-spirited or critical teasing both on the giving and receiving ends.
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CAR REPAIR AT ITS BEST:

Second Hand Problems - By: Sonny Terry

Owning a car may just well be everyone’s dream regardless if it’s a brand new car or a second hand. Dangers lurk especially if what you are buying is a second-hand car.

Vehicles, just like homes, are especially prone to flood damage brought about by storms, swelling rivers and hurricanes. Statistics show that about 75,000 vehicles have been damaged by Hurricane Floyd in 1999, while Hurricane Ivan left more than 100,000 vehicles unusable. Hurricane Katrina had brought flood damage to about 200,000 cars in 2005. These, however, are just part of the bigger problem.

Cars that have experience flood damage are usually repaired to appear usable to the untrained eye and moved to nearby states where they are sold to unsuspecting buyers.

Flood can damage a vehicle’s electrical systems and can cause malfunction in the anti-lock braking system as well as the airbag systems.

Here are some tips on how to avoid cars that have suffered flood damage:

• Check the interior of the car for any sign of flood damage. Some of these signs could include silt, gravel, mud and rust. Look under the trunk, in the glove compartment and around the dashboard. Feel the carpet for any sign of dampness. A damp carpet may mean that the wirings underneath it have also been exposed to flood waters.

• Check whether upholstery and carpeting fit snugly. If appears to be somewhat loose, it may have already been replaced. Any discoloration, stain or fading could also mean flood damage.

• Check if accessories, warning lights and gauges are working properly. Airbag and ABS lights should come on.

• Try to bend the wires beneath the dashboard. If there are cracks, there is a great probability of flood damage.

• Nobody needs to tell you that mold means flood damage. If you see one inside the vehicle, do not proceed in buying the vehicle.

• Know you car’s vehicle history. You can ask this from the dealer of you can check the Vehicle Identification Number (VIN) and have it checked through carfax.com or through AutoCheck.

• Do not forget to take the car out for a spin. This would ensure that there are no knocking sounds and that everything works fine.

• Have a trusted automotive mechanic from any automotive repair Atlanta Georgia has go through the vehicle first before letting go of your hard-earned money.

• Make it a habit to buy from reputable Atlanta automotive dealers only.

If you are into rebuilding and repairing damaged vehicles, flood-damaged cars might mean headache rather than fun. It would help, however, to have it checked also with any professional automotive repair Atlanta center.

Car Repair At Its Best - By: Sonny Terry

A car trouble is something that any car owner would not want to have. Depending on the nature of the trouble, most of these would require a visit to the nearest automotive center. Car troubles could be as simple as a stuck window panel to a more complex worn out brake line.

When it comes to high end cars such as BMWs, Mercedes Benzs, Volvo's, Porsches, and Audis, the services of a specialized automotive center are usually required. Because of the way they are designed as well as the car’s high value, letting a generic service shop look into them can be quite risky as they may not have technicians trained in handling such cars. Only those service centers that have the right equipment, tools, and personnel can assure you that your prized car will be handled with care and in accordance with the standards set by the manufacturers.

Making sure that you take your car to a specialized service center will mean having access to original parts and equipments. It also means that your warranty does not become void and you can also expect a high level of professional treatment should the replacement part not work.

Specialized service centers dealing in auto repair Atlanta GA also carry a number of original car parts with them. This means that replacing car parts need not take weeks or months. You are also assured that whoever would be doing the replacement has been highly trained in that aspect.

Authorized centers specializing in auto repair in Atlanta usually carry computerized systems with them. They usually start with a general check up of your car before proceeding to any complaints that you might have. These service centers usually have a roster of technicians specializing in different areas – air-con, electrical wiring, etc.

Because of the different auto repairs Atlanta centers present in the market today, you might be tempted to just bring your car to the nearest one. Although the said service center might be able to provide solution for your car’s problems, in the long run, it would still be more worthwhile to go to an authorized service center.

Safety In Mind - By: Sonny Terry

In almost everything that we do, safety is always our primary concern. This extends even to the car that we drive. Although, unfortunately, not all of us are aware about what to do in order to ensure that our cars are in good working condition.

Of all the parts that our car has, it is the braking system that is subjected to the most wear and tear. This condition is usually a direct result of our driving behavior – how fast we drive and how hard we step on the brakes. The bad news is, worn out braking system could mean unsafe driving and could endanger our lives.

In order for you to appreciate more just how important the braking system is, let us discuss what comprises this system.

The braking system can generally be divided into to groups – the drum brakes and the disc brakes. They, however, both make use of the brake caliper, rotors and pads. When you step on the brake pedal, the hydraulic fluid goes up the caliper which, in turn, pushes the brake pads to the surface of the rotors which then creates friction. This friction is what causes the car to come to a stop. The pressure and stress accompanying this procedure is what causes the fast wear and tear of the components of the braking system, most notable of which is the brake pads. This is where Atlanta VW repair centers can help you.

Your Volkswagen repair Atlanta center is the best place to go to if there is a need for your brake pads to be replaced. This procedure would not take too long and could be finished within a matter of minutes. Aside from the brake pads, you might also need to have your brake discs replaced if they already show signs of wear and tear.

When it comes to instances like these when you need to replace components of your braking system, make sure that you let professionals handle it. Your local Atlanta VW repair center would know what needs to be done as they have been trained to do jobs such as this.

Making The Most Of Your Service Experience - By: Sonny Terry

Owning a Volvo might make you feel like you are on the top of the world. This is brought about mainly by the fact that Volvo is one of those car brands that are considered to be high end and, thus, cost a lot of money. Owning one would therefore set your status in the society.

Unfortunately, along with the status come individuals preying on people who do not have enough knowledge when it comes to car repairs. It is because of these individuals that you should take care on whom you entrust your car for repairs.

One of the ways you can prevent people from ripping you off is by arming yourself with sufficient knowledge about car repairs. Although most certified technicians are honest enough to let you know your options as well as what they had done to your car, there are still those who are clearly only after the money.

As soon as your car has been released, and right before you make any payment, make sure that you ask your technician, even if they are from an Atlanta Volvo repair service center what sort of job was done on your car. Never be afraid to ask what each procedure is for. This way, you would know if there were some procedures or replacements charged to you that did not really take place. If you were charged for a replacement, ask your mechanic to give you the broken part. Compare this to the new part to make sure that it does indeed need a replacement.

Ask around. It would be impossible to have everyone in on the overcharging. Check with any passing technician what procedure was being done to your car. Make sure also that you take time out to read the service report that they have. Be wary of any additional services or replacements that they would list down. Remember, your Atlanta Volvo service technician would need your approval first before any type of procedure could begin.

Although your Atlanta Volvo repair service center can ensure that your car is as good as new, you should still make it a practice to check what procedures have been done.